DRWBY
by Unjax
Summary: Drunk-RWBY. Exactly what it sounds like.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm gonna fight her." She drawled, stumbling towards the tower and pointing a finger at the little ball of light at the top.

"You're not going to fight her Pyrrha." Jaune breathed through tightened lips. "You're drunk."

"Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm gon' fight her!" Pyrrha nodded happily.

"She's a maiden. Or whatever. What do you think is going to happen if you fight her?"

"Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm gon' kill her! Cause she's a bitch!" Pyrrha's eyes shot wide as she said the word. "Oh, I'm sorr- _hic_!"

"Pyrrha don't fight her. You'll get yourself hurt."

"But I waaaaaaanna!" She whined.

"No Pyrrha."

"Pleaaaaase?"

"No Pyrrha. We're going to go back to the dorm, you're going to drink some water, and you're going to sleep."

"Mmm, you wanna join me?" Pyrrha looked up at him through half lidded eyes. He sighed heavily.

"Pyrrha, you're dru-" He was interrupted but the very loud sound of Pyrrha being sick. It sounded like a dying velociraptor giving birth. On his shoes. He was wearing his nice ones too, with the little L and R that signified which shoe went on which foot. He hoped those didn't rub off when he cleaned them.

Pyrrha continued for a little bit of time. Jaune checked his watch. Looked around. No one was there. Of course no one was there. Why would anyone be there? They were literally dying.

Pyrrha finished up with a few dry retches. Jaune crossed his arms as she stood back up. She looked sheepish.

"M'be I shouldn't fight 'er."

"Yep."

"But we can still have se-" This time, Pyrrha interrupted herself when she was sick.

"You done?" Pyrrha held up a finger as she wiped her mouth. She put her hands on her knees and took a few deep breaths.

"Yeah," She slowly rose, then stumbled to the side. "Lez go back to the bed-place."

"Bed-place?"

"Yeah, the one with the beds."

"Come on," Jaune sighed again and stepped beside Pyrrha, draping her arm across his shoulders and holding her side. "Let's get you to bed."

"Mmhmm," We took a few wobbly steps together. "Hey Jaune?"

"Yeah?"

"Thankssss. I mean, you do a you do lots for me."

"Yeah."

"And I think I do a loooo fur ya tuh."

"Yep."

"Aaaaand,"

"And?"

She grabbed his face and pulled him into her. She kissed him on the mouth, but all it tasted like was bile, beer, and brisket. Good to know what she had for dinner.

"Gross," He mumbled as he extricated himself from her grip.

"Kay, shhhhho I've done something for you now."

"Something's a word for it."

"Can you do something for me?" Her voice piqued at the end and she gave him a bright smile.

"I'm not letting you fight her."

"But Jaaaaaauuuuuuuune,"

"No,"

"Please?"

"No."

"I'll let you tie me-"

" _Jesus_ Pyrrha, no!"

"... I mean I'd let you do that anyways."

"So very not okay."

"Can I fight her though?"

"Ozpin fought her. If he died, you'd be fucked."

"I've been asking to be that all night."

"... Pyrrha? You see that rocket locker over there?"

"No,"

"Right there. That we are literally standing right beside."

"No, we're standing left beside it."

"Okay, but you see it now."

"Them."

"Them?"

"Yeah, there's like four of them."

Jaune sighed.

"Okay Pyrrha. If you don't shut up and let me put you to sleep, I'm going to throw you in that locker and send it to Vale." He gave her a stern look, and she lowered her eyes.

"Jaune?"

"Yeah?"

"SEMBLANCE BITCH!" She yelled and shoved him backwards, pinning him into the locker with her semblance.

"SONOFA-"

"I'M GONNA FIGHT HER!" Pyrrha screamed back, pressing random buttons on the pad. He felt the rockets start to warm up.

"PYRRHA I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T-" He seethed, but she was turning away and skipping down the stones.

"I'm gonna fight her!" Pyrrha giggled, then tripped and fell flat on her face.

That was the last time Jaune Arc saw Pyrrha Nikos.

* * *

 _A/N:_

 _Welcome to DRWBY! Drunk rwby! I shall be re-write different scenes with more alcohol and less PG._ _Up next: how entire team happened._

 _But actually, just going to write these as short little spin-offs where the plot doesn't change, but the way the plot happens does. Let me know if you all like it, or if it's dumb and should never be repeated._

 _Cheers,_

 _-Unjax_


	2. Chapter 2

"Fucking _children_ Glynda."

"Yes sir."

"We take _fucking children_ , and make them fight monsters."

"Yes, sir."

He looked at her, mouth ajar, hands held out pleadingly.

"What the _fuck_ is wrong with us?"

"I don't know sir."

"... _Children!_ Do you have no heart woman?"

"No, sir."

"So, we take kids from normal school."

"Yes,"

"When… How old are they when they start?"

"Eight sir."

"Eight?"

"Eight."

"... _Jesus!_ And I thought this was a good idea? Why the hell was that a good idea?"

"You were very insistent. You've been doing it for years."

"But, why?"

"Something about hardship creating the perfect warrior. Blah blah, ends justify means, blah blah."

"But child endangerment? Huntsmen and huntresses _die_ Glynda."

"I didn't."

"That's because you can literally levitate and throw anything that gets too close to you. Your semblance would make it nearly impossible for you to die."

"Also 'cause I'm not a punk ass bitch."

"And… And there's a _fifteen year old_ here now?! Seventeen is horrible, but fifteen is monstrous."

"How so sir?"

"I mean, at seventeen, they have some life experience. Had their first kisses, heartbreak, friends… There's at least something there. But fifteen?"

"Don't forget that you got her mom killed."

"What?"

"Remember Summer?"

"No… I…"

"You were so convinced that because she had those special eyes that welding her scythe shut would unlock her hidden potential when you threw her into a forest full of Deathstalkers."

"... And now her fifteen year old daughter is at Beacon?"

"Yep,"

"A school which prepares children for a job with an average life expectancy of six years?"

"Job security's pretty good though. Lot of turnover in the market, but there's always something to be found."

"Glynda, why would these children want to do this? Why would they come to Beacon?"

"To be fair, we only have a forty-eight percent graduation rate."

"Oh, that… That actually makes me feel a little better."

"None of them dropped out though."

"What? Then how… Oh no."

"Oh yes,"

Ozpin buried his face in his hands.

"I would like to remind you I was against the idea of letting Ruby into the school."

"SO WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?" He snapped at the woman.  
"... She ate all my cookies." Ozpin just stared at Glynda. She shrugged, and brought his coffee cup to her lips, taking a long sip of the cream-liqueur infused drink. "It was a bitch move. She deserves to die screaming."

Ozpin rubbed his temples.

"And then I threw them off a cliff?"

"Yeup."

"I…"

"You also greenlit them going on a mission that was coded for four fully fledged hunters."

"Glynda-"

"You _also_ had a very serious discussion with James about ripping a soul out of one person and shoving it into a first year."

"Glynda-"

"Speaking of him, do you think Ironwood's wood is iron?"

"Would-"

"And you let an ex-terrorist into the school."

"Please-"

"Mm and the kid that hadn't done any combat training before because, quote, 'greatness comes from humble beginnings.'"

"Glynda-"

"Come to think of it, how the hell is he still alive? If he makes it another week Port's gonna win the betting pool."

"GLYNDA!"

"Yes?" She seemed to remember he was there.

"Give me the coffee."

"You're the one who thought it was a good idea to try being sober."

"I was wrong. So very wrong."

Glynda shrugged and handed him the cup.

"One last thing."

"Mm?"

"Don't ever let me get sober again."

* * *

 _Here's part 2!_

 _I do in fact take requests. Up next is the Weiss and Ruby coffee scene, as per a previous request. Food fight is coming up soon too._

 _Gotta run._

 _Cheers,_

 _-Unjax_


End file.
